Wall of text and eventual apology time. Apology for the wall of text included in the title. Sorry for the wall of text.

TL;DR: just read the last 4 paragraphs if you don't feel like hearing the whole thing. That’s the part where i apologise for being a nutcase.

MF said I should offer whatever felt right to whoever I thought deserved the explanation, and you all do.

So, to condense 20-something years of existence into a paragraph, I'm pretty crazy. I’m not talking average girl-style crazy. What I mean is years of therapy crazy. Multiple mood disorders diagnoses crazy. Encyclopedic knowledge of every kind of pill from anti-depressants to anti-psychotics crazy. Seen the inside of a mental hospital more than once crazy. Over 10 years of mostly being a passive suicidal(still alive, well i guess that’ll have to do for now) and occasionally an active suicidal(don’t think i need to explain) crazy. That level. I know I’m not explaining a lot, this is the pulling the bandage off part of the explanation. I’m just getting through it.

And I recovered. Yay! It was massively difficult, I lost years of my life just trying to learn to pass for normal. But eventually, I was doing excellently in school, and with a great community of people who at least liked the sane side of me. This was the best I’d been since I was about 10 years old.

But the thing is, it never goes away. It just gets better, you learn how to look the worst bits in the eye and tell them to fuck off, at least 99% of the time. And when things get good, I get scared, and it’s harder to hide the anxiety, depression, and overwhelming fear. Things got really good. I started to get really scared. And then things were both really good, and really stressful(ever been worried you’d be kicked out of a country? Now that’s stress). Stress also makes it harder to keep my head above water. Not sure I even need to say that.

I kept thinking I could push through all of it. Work through the stressful bits, focus on the awesome parts, figure myself out and return everything to normal. But nope, instead, my mind pretty much exploded on me.

This is the part I don’t know how to explain or talk about. Because mostly people don’t understand it unless they've been through it. Fuck it, though. You all deserve the explanation.

I went from ‘okay, i can handle this’ to ‘i am literally frozen with anxiety right now and don’t know what to do’ in about 60 seconds. And then spent the next week taking 2 steps forward one step back trying to recover. Saying ‘okay, back online tonight’ and winding up crying in bed because as soon as i hit that button to go on i felt like i couldn't breathe and couldn't go through with it. Yeah, i know. This is the part you don’t understand. How fucking hard can it be to get online? If you’re me, for a while, pretty much impossible. And the guilt from that was one of the worst parts. Every day I felt like I was just hurting people I’d spent a year with, people I considered my friends. Because I couldn’t push a fucking button and say ‘hey guys, all is well, sorry for everything, i’ll be back soon.’ I couldn’t do just 10 minutes of normal mode just to make the lives of the people around me less confusing before going back to anxiety mode. If I’d broken down a few weeks before I probably could have come back, told everyone I’d had an internet outage, and gotten better. But instead I broke down during a time when I couldn’t just take a few days, chill my mind out, and return. So it goes.

Here’s the apology bit I haven’t known how to say without explaining all of this:

I had a fucked up week, and it was at a really bad time. I put a lot of you guys in a bad situation, either because you were worried and couldn’t get any more info, or because you actually needed me for things and I wasn’t there at all. That part’s really hard for me to say, because I’ve really loved this team and being there for matches and practice was really important to me. And fuck it, I still tried to be, but I know I wasn’t playing my best, as i haven’t been for a while, and that wasn't fair either. I really regret that my personal meltdown had to become everyone’s business. Just thinking about it hurts like hell, because all of this is something I try my best to keep to myself. Becoming a source of drama because of my craziness was the last thing I wanted. And instead of keeping it contained and recovering, everything just seemed to spin out of my control. On top of that, when things started to improve I should have just steeled up and explained what was going on, but I didn’t want to lie and I felt too embarrassed about this part of me to have to admit to the truth. As well as incredibly frustrated that the best year of my adult life meant very little in the face of one messed up week.

I wasn’t going to say anything personal, but Fred, you’re someone I’ve respected since I first met you, and always trusted to do well by me. I never intended for you to think I felt badly of you or anyone else, and i don’t. That was just an awful, unfair mixup, brought on by me not being around and having other people speak for me. My heart sank so much when I learned about that, I’m so sorry to have done that to you. And MF, I’m sorry to you most of all, I should have done way better by you, and I've told you as much.

I really care about you guys and about the team in general. This would have been a lot easier to say if I didn’t. Heck, I’d probably have moved on when I started to feel stressed and not put you or myself through any of this if I didn’t. And I’ll miss the hell out of you all. I’ve been here before, i know when it’s time to move on. And when I can’t even talk to people who I would have hoped are my friends, it’s time.

I guess that’s it, then. Keep kicking ass in UGC.

It's probably true I said some harsh things; it was a combination of hearsays and not really knowing what happened (as you mentioned). I guess that discussion kinda escalated since we didn't have much else to go on.
Still, said is said, and... eh, i get the feeling that this is gonna sound odd in afterhand no matter how i phrase it. Deep down I hoped and kinda knew that the info we had wasn't how it really happened. After all, I met you guys in finland and all! You two were pretty cool, I must say.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but you are always welcome to stay at the ST cheese pantry anytime, in my eyes.

I could reply to this, but I'd rather do it on steam or something.
Just try to sort things out to stay in finland first. I think that's more important than some videogame.

Firstly, as far as I'm concerned, it's not been you 'considering us' friends, we have been friends. And still are.
I don't care how tough it's gonna be, I don't want you to give up on us (me) so easily. Don't say you've 'been here', every situation is different. Every person is different. I'd give a lot to help fix this, you know this. I also know I probably can't stop you from doing what you want to do, even if I strongly disagree with it so...this is all I'm going to say right here.

As for the apologising part, I guess it's my turn as well. I'm not gonna lie, I've been hella confused last few months, and I haven't always responded as I should, but I just hope you're willing to keep me close cause I really do appreciate all the help you've given me, one way or another. Hope you also know you're greatly appreciated, and you're a wonderful person despite whatever the fuck people are gonna say or your own mind's gonna say.

I've already gone too far for the forum probably, so I'll quit here. If you want some more of this....you know where to find me. Quite honest, I'm not really too sure how to approach you anymore, I'll work on that if you let me.

Take care, don't disappear in thin air, let's get through this.

Edit: Also proud you posted all of this. Just know you shouldnt feel ashamed aboutyour past

Firstly, as far as I'm concerned, it's not been you 'considering us' friends, we have been friends. And still are.

In case my previous post was too dense with the fred expressions, I'll just blatantly rip off MF right here.

All I can say Dok, is that you are a fun and energizing person to have around. Take your time to sort things out, but keep in mind that we want to support you in every way possible!

I don't really know how much I can say on any of this given that we've spoken very little, if we have it's been briefly on mumble mid-match.. but in any case, I think everybody on the team really appreciates you offering this explanation, I imagine it's tough to talk about anything of this nature. I know from speaking to MF a fair bit that he thinks the world of you and it's only out of concern for you that there's ever been any kind of frustration. Everybody on this team thinks highly of you and from what little interaction you and I have had in the past you've seemed lovely! I hope things work out for you and that you're okay, whatever you decide to do.

Well Dok, i know you have few hard days now, but please come back, when they'll pass ! Who will tell me to shut up when i start yelling on mumble if not you? and who will sing songs with me when i'm drunk? Dok [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Stay classy B-)